AIRLINE HUMOR. Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane,
but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those
of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots
fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about
problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document
their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here
are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked
with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never,
ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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Borrowed from the Buckaroo Band website:
Remember the old days & matinee cowboys, such as Gene Autry,
Hopalong Cassidy, Wild Bill Hickok, The Lone Ranger, Roy Rogers,
and The Texas Rangers. Recall a simpler time in our history when
right and wrong were not measured by polling a group of citizens.
Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear and listen
to our cowboy heroes' codes, creeds, oaths, prayers, and rules...
Gene Autry's Cowboy Code of Honor
1. A cowboy never takes unfair advantage - even
of an enemy.
2. A cowboy never betrays a trust. He never
goes back on his word.
3. A cowboy always tells the truth.
4. A cowboy is kind and gentle to small children,
old folks, and animals.
5. A cowboy is free from racial and religious
intolerances.
6. A cowboy is always helpful when someone is
in trouble.
7. A cowboy is always a good worker.
8. A cowboy respects womanhood, his parents
and his nation's laws.
9. A cowboy is clean about his person in thought,
word, and deed.
10. A cowboy is a Patriot.
Hopalong Cassidy's Creed for American Boys and Girls
1. The highest badge of honor a person can wear
is honesty. Be truthful at all times.
2. Your parents are the best friends you have.
Listen to them and obey their instructions.
3. If you want to be respected, you must respect
others. Show good manners in every way.
4. Only through hard work and study can you
succeed. Don't be lazy.
5. Your good deeds always come to light. So
don't boast or be a show-off.
6. If you waste time or money today, you will
regret it tomorrow. Practice thrift in all ways.
7. Many animals are good and loyal companions.
Be friendly and kind to them.
8. A strong, healthy body is a precious gift.
Be neat and clean.
9. Our country's laws are made for your protection.
Observe them carefully.
10. Children in many foreign lands are less fortunate
than you. Be glad and proud you are an American.
Wild Bill Hickok Deputy Marshal's Code of Conduct
1. I will be brave, but never careless.
2. I will obey my parents. They DO know best.
3. I will be neat and clean at all times.
4. I will be polite and courteous.
5. I will protect the weak and help them.
6. I will study hard.
7. I will be kind to animals and care for them.
8. I will respect my flag and my country.
9. I will attend my place of worship regularly.
The Lone Ranger Creed
I believe that to have a friend, a man must
be one.
That all men are created equal and that everyone
has within himself the power to make this a better world.
That God put the firewood there, but that every
man must gather and light it himself.
In being prepared physically, mentally, and
morally to fight when necessary for that which is right.
That a man should make the most of what equipment
he has.
That "this government, of the people, by the
people, and for the people," shall live always.
That men should live by the rule of what is
best for the greatest number.
That sooner or later... somewhere... somehow...
we must settle with the world and make payment for what we have
taken.
That all things change, but the truth, and the
truth alone lives on forever.
I believe in my Creator, my country, my fellow
man.
Roy Rogers Riders Club Rules
1. Be neat and clean.
2. Be courteous and polite.
3. Always obey your parents.
4. Protect the weak and help them.
5. Be brave, but never take chances.
6. Study hard, and learn all you can.
7. Be kind to animals and care for them.
8. Eat all your food and never waste any.
9. Love God and go to Sunday School regularly.
10. Always respect our flag, and country.
Roy Rogers Prayer
Lord, I reckon I'm not much just by myself,
I fail to do a lot of things I ought to do.
But Lord, when trails are steep and passes high,
Help me ride it straight the whole way through.
And when in the falling dusk I get that final
call,
I do not care how many flowers they send,
Above all else, the happiest trail would be
For YOU to say to me, "Let's ride, My Friend"
AMEN
Texas Rangers "Deputy Ranger" Oath
1. Be Alert
2. Be Obedient
3. Defend the Weak
4. Never Desert a Friend
5. Never Take Unfair Advantage
6. Be Neat
7. Be Truthful
8. Uphold Justice
9. Live Cleanly
10. Have Faith in God
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