Lesson In Political
Science
Sounds like a lot of Bull to me
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to
shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN USDA NAIS STYLE
Every person who owns a cow will be forced to register their home, including
owner's name, address, and telephone number, and keyed to Global Positioning
System coordinates for satellite monitoring, in a giant federal database
under a 7-digit "premises ID number." Every cow will have to be assigned
a 15-digit ID number, also to be kept in a giant federal database. The form
of ID will most likely be a tag or microchip containing a Radio Frequency
Identification Device, designed to be read from a distance. The plan may
also include collecting the DNA of every cow and/or a retinal scan of every
cow. The owner will be required to report: the birthdate of a cow, the
application of every cow's ID tag, every time a cow leaves or enters the
property, every time a cow loses a tag, every time a tag is replaced, the
slaughter or death of a cow, or if any cow is missing. Such events must be
reported within 24 hours. Third parties, such as veterinarians, will be required
to report "sightings" of cows. In other words, if you call a vet to your
property to treat your cow, and the vet finds any cow without the mandatory
15-digit computer-readable ID, the vet may be required to report you. If
you do not comply, the USDA will exercise "enforcement" against you. The
USDA has not yet specified the nature of "enforcement," but presumably it
will include imposing fines and/or seizing your animals. There are no exceptions
-- under the USDA plan, you will be forced to register and report even if
you raise cows only for your own food. (OK as you can tell this one wasn't
actually part of the joke)
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO
on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock
goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to
lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on
unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of
beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately
they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around,
you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have
42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them
because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million
grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but
use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their
mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting
to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks she's
French, other times she's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French
cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks
permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking
one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys
from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak
English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big well-attached
udders.
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